I feel like I am forgetting something. The constant double checking has turned me into someone who is late.
I dislike those people. I never understand people who are late. I never understand people who forget things.
I prepare. I stay up late. I make my breakfast and lunch for the next day. I lay out my clothes for my morning workout. This practice makes my life easier. Being early eases my stress. Planning eases my anxiety.
This has been my life up until 9 months ago.
Now I am never alone. Now it takes me twice as long to prepare. Now the anxiety and stress are omnipresent.
I try not to think about it much. I try not to think about it too literally. A piece of me existing outside of me somewhere that, sometimes, is not physically with me. A piece of me that is starting to collect moments that will make her herself. I think about her now. I think about where she is and what she is doing. I think about her all the time. It consumes me and I will never not be thinking about her for she will always occupy the back of my mind. She will always occupy my heart. I made her heart. I made her life. And when I think this literally the back of my eyes prick with emotion. I often find myself fighting it. I often find myself battling it. I tell myself to shut it down. I tell myself that I am one in a billion and I am not special.
I know she is special. She is the most special and because of her I always feel like I am forgetting something. I will always feel like I am without something.
I realize that I am late. I realize that I forget. I know that I am different now because I am no longer alone. I am a part of someone else. I am always with her and she is always with me. We are never alone. It is exhausting and the most beautiful part of my existence. My purpose. Forever not alone.